Saturday, April 7, 2012


I am the mascot of the internet generation (read at the amherst rao's reading on 3-30)

I am online reading the news.

kid rock is endorsing mitt romney and this is all I will ever need to know about mitt romney.

I am incredibly lazy but the good thing about the internet is that it has legitimized laziness as the nation’s most awesome pastime.

I may be responsible for eating the entire bag of cookies that I myself labeled “communal cookies,”
but my twitter followers can laugh at this admission, and retweet it until at least one person somewhere is laughing out loud, and then I have actually accomplished something while I sit on my bed in my underwear , which is more than I was doing five years ago in a pre-twitter world

things are better than they were five years ago, in general.
for instance I no longer have papa gino’s on speed dial.

I must be the mascot of the internet generation.

I am thinking that my generation seems uniquely horny for a nostalgia that doesn’t exist,
or at least can only be justified through extreme and perhaps unwarranted idealization of the past

I am thinking that I want to console my generation.

I am on youtube searching for videos containing the phrase “very talkative parrot.”

a talkative parrot is the best kind of parrot and anybody with a youtube account knows it.

the next time one of my relatives asks me what I’m doing with my bachelor’s degree I will respond that I am consumed by videos of very talkative parrots.

I am eating a nondairy frozen desert that is called “cookie avalanche,” and yet I have to dig for the cookies. I hate this sort of false, hyperbolic advertising.

shouldn’t the cookies be finding me, violently.

I am sobbing at the scene in castaway where tom hanks loses wilson, his best friend that is a soccer ball. wilson is floating away into a vast terrible ocean and this scene makes me sob about ten times harder than a frozen leonardo dicaprio sinking away from an almost-frozen kate winslet, because this scene is more symbolic of the losses I have endured

I am talking to my housemate.
she is standing in my doorway and I am on my bed on my laptop.
she is telling me about her day. she says, “ok, I’ll let you get back to what you’re doing.”

she has no idea I’m watching a video called “Big spider attacks Daddy”

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