Monday, October 3, 2011


-Some notes on having nothing prepared five hours before this reading-

Depression on the seventh floor of the library.
I came here to practice creativity under fluorescent lights.
I came here to summon inspiration in a tiny room, but on the wall in front of me someone has written “13 foot cock.”

What a terrible thought, what a nightmare that would be.
The reading is in five hours and I’ve written nothing, and “13 foot cock” towers over me, oppressively.

I hate the huffington post. Today on the huffington post I had the option to click the following headline: “photos of celebrities picking up after their dogs.”

Just what I need to start my day: a slideshow of movie stars picking up dog shit.

Everyone is crazy about dogs. I like dogs just as much as the next guy, but let’s be real. A dog will eat his own shit- or, worse, another dog’s shit- and lick your face five minutes later.

I have never heard a worse betrayal.

Sometimes I’ll begin to have a sexy dream and then the dream will be foiled by a neutered pet, meowing me out of my first dose of psychic romance in two months, as if he can sense my pleasure and needs to intervene out of vengeance.

"If I can’t reproduce, you can’t hump your bed while unconscious," says my cat.

Cat, I will be pissed at you for the rest of the day. I will see your face in the wallpaper of my cell phone and I will feel a twinge of bitterness.

Speaking of cell phones, texting has really invented a whole new necessity for the exclamation point. I find myself exclaiming things in text messages that I would never exclaim in real life. I do this because text communication can be very ambiguous, since it isn’t punctuated by a tone of voice or body language. I know other people do this too, based on the texts I receive. You want to convey that you’re saying what you’re saying in a warm, friendly way, so you rely on the exclamation point, because a smiley face can feel contrived. So I end up exclaiming things like:
I’ll see you at the barbecue tonight at Brendan’s house! LOL

My dad didn’t start texting until about six months ago, and it took him a while to warm up to gratuitous usage of the exclamation point, but he’s come around.

But at first all of his texts sounded so serious.
Hi Hill. (Period). Would you like to grab dinner tonight? (Question mark.) Let me know by 5 o’clock. (Period).

WHY IS MY DAD MAD AT ME?! I wondered. We’re not even talking about politics (!)

Speaking of politics, and religion, sometimes it is tempting to advance my pacifist/agnostic agenda by hijacking a hot air balloon and landing it softly on the roof of the UMass library.

(Too soon?)

Writing a self summary for okcupid is like writing an essay on a book you’ve never read. Which I’ve actually done successfully several times. I recently stumbled across one of my close friends on okcupid, only to find out that we’re 13% enemies. This has been a devastating development, but we’re slowly starting to recover, changing our answers to the okcupid questionnaires accordingly.

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